By: Ben Hoy
*Editor’s note: This article is meant for comedic purposes only and does not reflect the official views of the Brockport Beat.*
Ever since the 1990’s brought us the wonders of the Internet, print newspapers are being slowly replaced by online news sites. This is because online news is more current, accessible, relevant, and more frequently updated than print newspapers.
Though the death of print newspapers is upon us, some still linger today. An example of this can be found right here on the Brockport campus. The Stylus has been the college’s student newspaper since 1914. It’s printed every Wednesday. The reason The Stylus has been able to survive so long is because it never had an online news website to replace it. However, that is not the case anymore. The Brockport Beat, Brockport’s new student news source, is far superior to the Stylus in every way.
Since the online availability of the Brockport Beat has made print newspapers irrelevant, here is a list of 10 uses for your Stylus newspaper.
1.Wiping Your Face
If you accidentally get some sauce on your face, the Stylus is just what you need. You can find Stylus newspapers on every table in the Union or any academic building. Just grab one and wipe the sauce off. You don’t have to worry about getting germs on your face either- the only people that ever actually touch the Stylus are the people that put them on the tables.
2. Fuel for Burning
With Brockport’s unpredictable weather, you never know when the next snowstorm will hit. The Stylus is a great resource for burning to keep warm. It can be used as tinder to start a wood fire, or you could just make a huge pile of Stylus newspapers and burn them all at the same time. If you choose to do this, the smoke from the ink will create a signal that could be seen for miles. If you’re ever lost in the woods, be sure to bring a few issues of The Stylus with you.
3. Making Paper Hats
Paper hats are a lost art form, but they are sure to make their way back into Brockport’s fashion once the Stylus becomes extinct. Paper hats are not only stylish, they give you confidence. Whether it’s asking someone out, nailing a job interview, or writing a controversial clapback article, there’s nothing you can’t do while wearing a paper hat. They also keep the sun out of your eyes. Click here for directions on how to fold a paper hat.
4. Training Your Pets
When it comes to training animals, the Stylus can be a very versatile tool. If your pet is misbehaving, you can roll up the newspaper and give them a little love tap. You can shred it up to make a nice bed for your hamster. Maybe you have a snake that likes eating paper. Let him have at it. You could also lay a few issues on the floor and train your dog to pee on them. This would almost be like training your dog to go in a toilet!
5. Wrapping Gifts
Let’s address the elephant in the room: wrapping paper is super expensive these days. Between Christmas, birthdays, and Arbor Day, there’s a lot of wrapping paper to buy each year. Luckily, the Stylus can be a great wrapping substitute. Just grab an issue from a nearby garbage can, get some scotch tape, wrap your gift, and you’re done. Using the Stylus as wrapping paper means you can also deliver a custom giftwrap experience- if they like sports, make sure the Sports section is facing outward. If they like opinions, wrap your gift so the Opinion section shows. If they like good comic strips… sorry, you’re out of luck.
6. Keeping Yourself Cool
The semester is winding to an end, and it’s getting hotter and hotter. As you probably know from experience, the buildings at Brockport heat up quite a bit once May hits. With those hot summer rays beating down on you, it’s nice to have a fan. Luckily, the Stylus can get the job done. Just grab an issue, fold it to your preferred area, and fan yourself gently to beat the heat. But the Stylus doesn’t only work as a fan. If you get sweaty, you can wipe up the sweat using the comics section. If you’re reading the Brockport Beat on your phone and there’s a glare on your screen, hold an issue of the Stylus over it for shade. You can also hold it over your head while walking between classes as a makeshift sun umbrella.
7. Practicing Basketball
Michael Jordan didn’t start off as the greatest basketball player in NBA history. Like all other basketball players, he started off by throwing crumpled up newspaper balls into a garbage can. You can be the same way. Just grab an issue of the Stylus, crumple it up into a ball, and take a shot toward the nearest garbage can. Not only will you be delivering the Stylus to its rightful place, you’ll be honing your skills. With a little practice each day, you will eventually morph into Michael Jordan. You’ll never need to buy an actual basketball.
8. Killing Trees
Let’s face it- trees are a nuisance to society. They fall on people, they get leaves everywhere in the fall, and they’re always getting in the way of housing development and bulldozers. Not to mention the way they sway in the breeze like they’re better than you. The world would be a whole lot better without trees. Luckily, the Stylus, like all other newspapers, is the product of rapid deforestation all across the globe. Each year, millions of trees are cut down to make the paper the Stylus is printed on. So the next time you see a tree swaying snidely in the breeze, you can take comfort in knowing the Stylus is doing its part to take those jerks down one at a time. It’s not like we need them to keep breathing or anything.
9. Avoiding Awkward Hellos
Have you ever run into someone you only kind of know, and you’re not sure whether to say hi to them or not? These awkward interactions can be easily solved using a copy of the Stylus. The next time you’re faced with an awkward hello, just grab the nearest copy and hold it in front of your face. Then walk by them mumbling stuff like “Hm, yes, news, Stylus, reading.” Take note that when you do this, it’s very unlikely anyone will believe you’re actually reading the Stylus (what would be the point of that?). However, even if they don’t believe you, seeing you holding a copy will make them think you’re a huge loser, and they’ll steer clear of you from then on. Problem solved!
10. Not Reading It
Whatever you choose to do with the Stylus, keep in mind that actually reading it is likely a waste of time since the Brockport Beat exists. The only exceptions to this rule are if you are doing an ancient history report and you need to study a relic of the past, or if you want to practice spotting grammatical and spelling errors. The Stylus will be a goldmine for either of these options.
These 10 things make up most of the uses for the Stylus now that the Brockport Beat is here. Of course, this article is all in good fun, and is a friendly response to the comic published by the Stylus earlier in the semester.